Choice Simpson Quotes.
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Homer: I'm not normally a religious man, but if you're up there, save me, Superman!
Homer Simpson: Weaseling out of things is important to learn. It's what separates us from the animals... except the weasel.
Marge: I think we're going to need a bigger place.
Homer: No, we don't. I've got it all figured out. The baby can have Bart's room and Bart can sleep with us until he's 21.
Marge: Won't that warp him?
Homer: My cousin Frank did it.
Marge: You don't have a cousin Frank.
Homer: He became Francine in '76. Then he joined that cult. I think his name is Mother Shabubu now.
Homer: Please don't eat me! I have a wife and kids. Eat them!
Homer: There, there, Bart. If something's hard, then it's not worth doing.
[Homer can't stop the monorail]
Marge: I've brought somebody to help you.
Homer: Is it Batman?
Marge: It's a scientist.
Homer: Batman's a scientist?
Marge: It's NOT Batman.
Homer: Operator! Give me the number for 911!
Homer: If something goes wrong, blame the guy who can't speak English.
Homer: Kids, you tried your best and you failed miserably. The lesson is, never try.
Homer: Awww... 20 dollars!? I wanted a peanut.
Homer's brain: 20 dollars can buy many peanuts!
Homer: Explain how.
Homer's brain: Money can be exchanged for goods and services!
Homer: Woo hoo!
Lisa: Dad, we did something very bad!
Homer: Did you wreck the car?
Bart: No.
Homer: Did you raise the dead?
Lisa: Yes.
Homer: But the car's okay?
Bart & Lisa: Uh-huh.
Homer: All right then.
Scully: Homer, we're going to ask you a few simple yes or no questions. Do you understand?
Homer: Yes. (lie dectector blows up)
Grandpa: My Homer is not a communist. He may be a liar, a pig, an idiot, a communist, but he is not a porn star.
Lionel Hutz: Well, he's kind of had it in for me ever since I accidentally ran over his dog. Actually, replace "accidentally" with "repeatedly," and replace "dog" with "son."
Bart: There's no such thing as a soul. It's just something they made up to scare kids, like the boogeyman or Michael Jackson.
Homer: Wait, I'm no missionary! I don't even believe in Jebus! Let me out.
Pilot: Sorry, no can do.
Homer: Oh save me Jebus!
Moe: Well I'm better than dirt! Well, most kinds of dirt. I mean, not that fancy store-bought dirt. That stuff's loaded with nutrients. I can't compete with that stuff.
Mr. Burns: I could crush him like an ant. But it would be too easy. No, revenge is a dish best served cold. I'll bide my time until ... Oh, what the hell. I'll just crush him like an ant.
Mr. Burns: Nonsense! Dogs are idiots! Think about it, Smithers. If I came into your house and started sniffing at your crotch and slobbering all over you, what would you say?
Smithers: If you did it, sir?
Homer: A gun is not a weapon Marge, it's a tool. Like a butcher knife, or a harpoon, or... or an alligator.
Frink: Here we have an ordinary square.
Wiggum: Woah! Slow down egghead!
Homer: He has all the money in the world, but there's one thing he can't buy.
Marge: What's that?
Homer: (pause) A dinosaur.
Lisa: You must kill the head vampire - Mr. Burns!
Homer: Kill my boss? Do I dare live out the American dream?
Bart: Aren't we forgeting the true meaning of Christmas? You know, the birth of Santa.
Marge: [sings] How many roads must a man walk down / Before you can call him a man...
Homer: Seven.
Lisa: No, dad, it's a rhetorical question.
Homer: OK, eight.
Lisa: Dad, do you even know what "rhetorical" means?
Homer: Do *I* know what "rhetorical" means?
Marge: Homer, the plant called. They said if you don't show up tomorrow don't bother showing up on Monday.
Homer: Woo-hoo. Four-day weekend.
Homer: [Looking at a globe map...country being Uruguay]
Hee hee! Look at this country! 'You are gay.'
Bart Simpson (spelling "Impervious" in a spelling Bee): I...M...P
Nelson: Bart is pee!
Ralph Wiggum: I Barted in my pants!
Homer: What's a wedding? Webster's dictionary describes it as the act of removing weeds from one's garden.
Homer: Fame was like a drug, but what was even more like a drug were the drugs.
Frink: Oh my great good God! Gentlemen, your attention please. I am detecting a gigiantic amphibious life-form, it's 80 meters long and it's heading this way. Oh good glayven it's on my shoe. It's a small frog, just get off, just get off there, just get out of it, get out of it. Stupid machine, oh wait a minute, this isn't the Monsterometer, it's the Frog-Exaggerator Mm-hai.
Homer: Gasp! Adam West! [calling] Kids! Batman
Lisa: Dad, that's not the real Batman.
Adam West: Of course I'm the real Batman. [shows a glossy] See, here's a picture of me with Robin!
'BART SIMPSON, ARCHENEMY OF EVIL!'
Lisa: "Me? Give up my summer? Just because I'm smart doesn't mean I'm crazy!"
Marge: "Besides, Maybe you can really learn something from all this -- like if you study a little harder, you won't have to go next summer."
Bart: "Mom, it's bad enough that I have to waste precious days of my youth in summer school. Don't make it worse by asking me to actually learn something.
Milhouse: "She says having me hanging around the house all summer makes her plants die."
Otto: Hold onto your seats, kids! Due to school budget cutbacks, we couldn't get the brakes fixed.
Kearney: Hey! My pants are starting to fall down!"
Jimbo & Dolph: Ha Ha!
Kearney: It's not funny, man!
Jimbo & Dolph: Ha Ha!
Homer: "Ned, as your best friend, I feel it's my duty while you're gone to look after your bumper pool table, big screen TV, and imported beer bar!"
Bart: "Yeah, Homer must have done it while I was asleep! What a great dad!"
Milhouse: "My dad does stuff for me, too"
Bart: "Like what?"
Milhouse: "Well, er...um..."
An hour later...
Milhouse: "Um...he shared a cigar with me once!"
Herman: "I understand you're having a feud with your neighbor!"
Homer: "What? How'd you find out so fast?"
Herman: "The internet"
Lisa: "Bart!"
Bart: "Lisa! Oh, man, what a mix up! I thought this was my room and...um...my piggy bank!
Homer: "Don't let Krusty's death get you down. People die all the time. Just like that. Why, you could wake up dead tomorrow. Well, good night."
Marge: "Homer, I've gone through seven years of receipts, and you've spent less on gifts for me than you have on temporary tattoos."
Homer: Bart! With $10,000 we'd be millionaires! We could buy all kinds of useful things... like love.
Homer: I never apologize, Lisa. I'm sorry, but that's just the way I am.
Marge: Are you really going to ignore Grampa for the rest of your life?
Homer: Of course not Marge, just for the rest of his life.
Homer: So, like us, let your children run wild and free, because, as the old saying goes, let your children run wild and free.
Homer: If you really want something in life you have to work for it. Now quiet, they're about to announce the lottery numbers.
Homer: You know Moe, my mom once said something that really stuck with me. She said 'Homer, you're a big disappointment.' And God bless her soul, she was really onto something.
Apu: I can recite pi to 40,000 places. The last digit is 1.
Homer: Mmm... pi.
Homer: Oh, they have the Internet on computers now.
Homer: (on the phone) Yeah Moe, that team sure did suck last night. They just plain sucked. I've seen teams suck before, but they were the suckiest bunch of sucks that ever sucked.
Homer: Kids, there's three ways to do things: the right way, the wrong way, and the Max Power way.
Bart: Isn't that the wrong way?
Homer: Yeah, but faster!
Burns: I suggest you leave immediately.
Homer: Or what? You'll release the dogs, or the bees, or the dogs with bees in their mouths and when they bark they shoot bees at you?
Bart: We were just planning the father-son river rafting trip.
Homer: Hehe. You don't have a son.
Mr. Burns: And a stunt like that impresses people?
Homer: Oh yeah. And I'm not easily impressed. Wow! A blue car!
Homer: This has purple stuff inside - purple is a fruit.
Homer: It seems that the cat has been caught by the very person who was trying to catch him.
Skinner: How ironic.
Homer: Pfft. English, who needs that? I'm never going to England.
Homer: Marge, it takes two to lie - one to lie and one to listen.
Homer: Trying is the first step towards failure.
Homer: Look at those morons! I paid my taxes over a year ago!
Homer: Why don't those stupid idiots let me into their crappy club for jerks?
Homer: Son, when you participate in sporting events, it's not whether you win or lose: it's how drunk you get.
Homer: Maybe for once someone will call me 'sir' without adding 'you're making a scene.
Homer: That's it! Being abusive to your family is one thing, but I will not stand by and watch you feed a hungry dog! Go to your room!
Homer: I want to set the record straight - I thought the cop was a prostitute.
Homer: Will you knock it off! I can't hear myself think!
Brain: I want some peanuts.
Homer: Hello, my name is Mr. Burns, I believe you have a letter for me.
Clerk: Okay Mr. Burns, what's your first name?
Homer: I don't know.
Fireman: Homer, this is never easy to say... we're gonna have to saw your arms off.
Homer: They'll grow back, right?
Homer: Stealing! How could you? Haven't you learned anything from that guy who gives those sermons at church? Captain what's-his-name? We live in a society of laws. Why do you think I took you to all those Police Academy movies? For fun? Well I didn't hear anybody laughing, did you? Except at that guy who made sound effects... (does sounds effects) Where was I? Oh yeah, stay out of my booze!
Burns: And this must be little... Brat
Bart: Bart.
Homer: Don't correct the man, Brat.
Bart: Well, I'm not calling you a liar, but... I can't think of a way to finish that sentence.
Bart: From A - Apple to Z - Zebra, Baby's First Pop-Up Book is 26 pages of alphabetic adventure!
Mrs. Krabappel: Bart, you mean to tell me you read a book intended for preschoolers?
Bart: Well, most of it.
Grampa: The fortune doesn't matter, boy. The important thing is you're safe. Now let's get that fortune!
Grampa: Coma? Why I do in and out of comas all the-- (sleeps) French toast, please.
Ralph: Help! She's touching my special area!
Ralph: Miss Hoover, my worm went in my mouth and then I ate it. Can I have a new one?
Hoover: There aren't any more, Ralph. Just try to sleep while the other children are learning.
Ralph: Oh boy, sleep! That's when I'm a viking!
Wiggum: Being a cop is not something that happens overnight. It takes one solid weekend of training to get that badge.
Wiggum: I tell ya, they only come out a night, or in this case, the daytime.
Comic Book Guy: Inspired by the most logical race in the galaxy, The Vulcans, breeding will be permitted once every seven years. For many of you, this will mean much less breeding. For me, much much more.
Apu: Yes, yes, I know the procedure for armed robbery. I do work in a convenience store, you know.
Homer: No offense Apu, but when they were handing out religions you must have been out taking a whiz!
Apu: Mr. Simpson, please pay for your purchases and get out, and come again!
Krusty: It wasn't me, it was the Perkadan! If you ask me, that stuff rots your brain. And now a word from our sponsor: Perkadan?! Aw, crap!!
Flanders: And Harry Potter, and all his wizard friends... went straight to Hell for practicing witchcraft.
Moe: He may have come up with the recipe, but I came up with the idea of charging $6.95 for it.
Moe: I'm better than dirt. Well, most kinds of dirt... not that fancy store-bought dirt... that stuff's loaded with nutrients, I... I can't compete with that stuff.
Moe: Barney, don't steal any beer while I'm gone!
Barney: What kind of pathetic drunk do you take me for? (gasp) Someone spilt beer in this ashtray!
Barney: My name is Barney and I'm an alcoholic.
Lisa: Mr. Gumble, this is a Girl Scout meeting.
Barney: Is it, or is it that you ladies can't admit you have a problem?
Barney: Wow, David Crosby, you're my hero!
Crosby: You like my music?
Barney: You're a musician?
Skinner: Attention, this is an emergency broadcast. All is well in the school.
Hutz: I've argued in front of every judge in this state. Often as a lawyer.
Jimbo: You kissed a girl? That is so gay!
Australian: You call that a knife? THIS is a knife! (brings out a spoon)
Bart: That's not a knife, that's a spoon.
Australian: Alright you win. I see you've played 'knifey-spoony' before.
Horst: We regret to announce the following lay-offs, which I will read in alphabetical order. Simpson, Homer. That is all.
posted by Wayne. @ 10:36:00 AM
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