Funny Stuff
Note: This blog is now defunct because I have moved to http://house-of-jupiter.blogspot.comwhere I regularly post up intelligent posts, personal thoughts, reviews and free stuff (songs, albums, articles, photos). Come on over.
Because we need laughs.
Note: Most of the gags in this post are not originally from me. Some are edited, some have been lifted with permission. Nevertheless, enjoy:
Why Darth Vader is an intergalactic LOSER:
Vader uses force power to choke weak-minded bitches and galactic senators into submission. I use my hands to choke bitches when they won't cook me dinner or do my laundry. I don't need to rely on some mystical force to kick ass or "persuade" my girlfriend to wash my car. Mystical forces take too much effort and mind power, so using your hands is more practical anyways. That's what hands are for: choking. And masturbation. But, more importantly, choking. If Vader had any balls at all, he would have walked up to that senator, smacked his face, and then choked him with his hands. Instead, he stands across the room and uses the force. Gay.
Vader was the mastermind behind the Death Star. So what? It was destroyed by some whiny crybaby who blew it up by accident when he was trying to jack off to the manly static feedback of his co-pilot R2D2. If I built a Death Star, I would not give it some weakass Achille's Heel like an exhaust vent that connects straight to the reactor core accessible by any douchebag piloting an X-wing. Hell no. I would have a self destruct button guarded by drunk highschool kids with assault rifles. Nobody messes with drunk highschool kids with assault rifles. Nobody. Especially not a bitch named Luke Skywalker who bangs his sister.
Vader uses light sabers. Okay, light sabers are cool in their own right, but they are not as badass or deadly as a regular sword. After all, a regular sword doesn't need battery power and, even better, ninjas use them. What happens when you go to have an intergalactic Jedi duel and your lightsaber isn't charged up? You're fucked, unless your packing heat. (Let me go out on a limb here and assume that no one reading this is packing heat. Here's my impression of you: dead). Speaking of light sabers, I wonder what would happen if it accidently went off in your pocket and sliced your wang off? You'd be the laughing stock of all the Jedi's, that's what. People with names like "Gung-Yin" and "Count Dooku" would all be laughing at you because they secretly feel insecure about themselves. And that would suck.
Vader has no skills with the ladies. In any of the Star Wars movies, have you EVER seen Darth Vader in a steamy shower scene or a hot tub with a beautiful woman? I didn't think so. He couldn't pimp his way out of a whorehouse on free-herpes night. He would be the nervous, bumbling idiot in the corner spilling his drinks, trying to make small talk, and accidently slicing hookers up with his light saber when he got nervous. I hate it when loser kids say "Vader is a pimp, yo!" No. He's not. Now, go back to playing Dungeons and Dragons. Assholes.
Dogs - "Because you're not allowed to beat up your children."
Osama bin Laden, might be the most feared men in the world right now, but ya know what scares me about him? His fingernails. Every time he releases a new video, my eyes are glued to those repulsively long and filthy fingernails of his. Okay, let’s get Al-Qaeda out of the way first. Granted, they’re a KOOKIE bunch of characters, but the 9/11 incident really was kind of a fluke, and they’re separated from us by sea and thousands of thousands of miles. Besides, possible Al-Qaedaites have that darkish skin, odd names and shifty look to them, so every time I see a person who fits this profile, I point at them and begin screaming, “Terrorist! Terrorist!” at the top of my lungs, which usually brings at least one policeman running over pronto to take care of him.
But as my grandfather used to say, “If you’re looking for dog shit, look in your own backyard first”… I was never sure why he said that. He didn’t have a dog, he lived in an apartment building, and I don’t recall ever going over there and Grandma saying, “He’ll be back in a little while. He’s on a dog shit expedition”…. but I understood his point.
Overrated Holidays:
New Years
This has to go; it is the most anticlimactic holiday ever. Everyone counts down for ten seconds, then once it happens everyone yells “happy new year”, there’s about five minutes of confetti getting in your drink and horns being blown in your ears, and that’s about it. I’m sorry, but I do not believe five minutes of celebration should be deemed a holiday, I’ve celebrated seeing a girl’s skirt lifted up in the wind longer than that (plus it provides me with some material for when I have “Andy time”, but I digress). Perhaps I misspoke. Sure it’s a useless holiday, but it gives you the ability to get drunk on any day of the week depending on when New Years is, it’s like an alcoholic wild card, use it as an excuse to get drunk and not be judged. So, what say we compromise. We’ll keep the reckless, guilty-free drinking, the next day off, and the countdown and we’ll lose the confetti and other noise makers and Dick Clark…you know what, fuck it, we can keep Dick Clark. Deal.
Valentines
You might want to sit down for this one, it could take a while. There is no holiday worse than Valentine’s Day. First off, it is the only one on this list that can be deemed a “Hallmark Holiday”. I believe that’s the first rule of being a legitimate holiday, you can’t be made up by a greetings card company.
Second off, this holiday is the most depressing and prejudice of them all. It only applies to people who are in a relationship with someone they like. Come on, I’ve seen more men drink Smirnoff Ice than people in good relationships, there are more black people in Utah than happy couples, there are more Jews in the NBA than healthy relationships, need I go further? I needn’t, but I will.
Third off, as I’ve mentioned before this is a “Hallmark Holiday”, so in other words, it’s not a real holiday, it’s not recognized by the National Board of Holidays and Special Events. So by taking part in this shame those of us who participate in it are in turn following a false idea or belief. I believe the last time that a group of people followed something like that Moses broke the Ten Commandments; let’s try to not have a repeat of that.
Every time there is a tragedy of epic proportions, the grieving public is faced with the tasks of mourning, helping victims families recover and deciding when is a good time to start cracking jokes! The last of these gives us pause for thought: When is Too Soon?
The designers of the Titanic boasted that their ship was “unsinkable,” but in a great ironic twist, the damn thing went down on its maiden voyage! Cocky bastards. Although white people died, they were mostly foreigners, and it was a long, long time ago. So this little tragedy is ripe for sinking.
Too Soon Factor: Slice your iceberg into the side of this tragedy!
Example: Yo’ mama so fat, she sank the Titanic!
Al-Qaeda thinks they are so smart flying planes into stuff, but they are just ripping off the Japanese, who perfected the “Kamikaze” move long ago. The unprovoked attack of Pearl Harbor brought the United States into World War II, and the Japanese into our hearts.
Too Soon Factor: Americans died 64 years ago. Hmmm. But so did a lot of Japanese, so now’s a good time to dive bomb this tragedy. Fire away!
Example: After watching Ben Affleck in Pearl Harbor you almost wish the Japanese had done a better job.
Use a comma before a coordinating conjunction that links independent clauses.
1. Cats are cute, but I wouldn’t eat one.
2. Pete swung the bat, and he hit me in the testicles.
3. I like chicken nuggets, but I don’t know if they are really made of chicken.
4. We couldn’t tell what kind of road kill it was, so we turned the car around to check.
Use a comma after an introductory clause, phrase, or word.
1. After the show, there will be an orgy at the hotel.
2. When the sun came up, we saw that the koalas had surrounded us.
3. By the way, you have a very large squirrel on your head.
4. However, I did tell him to dispose of the bodies.
Use a comma to separate items in a series.
1. Tonight we are having soup, salad, chicken, and chilled monkey brains.
2. You wrecked you car because it was dark, you were going too fast, and it was a very large deer.
Use commas to set off transitional and parenthetical expressions, contrasts, words of direct address, and tag sentences.
1. Rob, your zipper is open.
2. That woman was actually a man, I think.
3. Scooby Doo, along with solving mysteries, encouraged children to smoke marijuana.
4. Therefore, that could not have been my monkey that you saw in your baby carriage.
The most shocking part of the film comes when it is revealed that Anakin Skywalker becomes Darth Vader (the evil black helmeted guy from the first trilogy)! After taking us through these three "prequels" who would have seen that coming? Frankly I thought it was a rather disappointing ending, however the special effects were outstanding. Samuel L. Jackson lends his voice to the character of Mace Windu who is a beautifully done, very life like CG rendition of a black man that rivals Episode I's Jar Jar Binks.
I give Episode III a rating of Super Awesome, but ever since Episode I came out, something has been nagging at me: In the first prequel when Obi wan Kenobi meets Anakin's mother she tells him that Anakin didn't have a father, she just got pregnant with him and pooped him out all on her own. So if Anakin Skywalker was truly immaculately conceived, does that mean that Jesus was a Jedi? This may be an overlooked plot point in Star Wars, that could reveal a lot about another sacred text: The Bible. Several clues indicate His Jedi status. JC could do mind tricks: Water into wine, walking on water. That whole parting the red sea thing. Clearly the work of one who is in control of The Force. So was Jesus H. Christ really the first Jedi.... or the last? -I say 'the last' because the Star Wars story reportedly takes place 'Long, Long Ago..." this indicates that the events of Star Wars actually happened before our own time period here on Earth. Therefore Jesus was in fact a Jedi sent to civilize a distant, wayward, blue planet beyond the outer rim during the time of The Galactic Empire.
Are there certain words or phrases that drive you crazy when spoken? Lame expressions that make you want to scream “Come up with something more original you brain-dead moron!” Here are my top 10 “skin crawlers”.
1. “Have a nice day”. I use a slight variation of the most overused saying in the history of civilization: “Have a day!”
2. “Significant other”. Gag! Just say, wife, girlfriend, boyfriend, friend, cat, dog, etc.
3. “Win-win”. Only stated by “losers-losers!”
4. “I’m just big boned.” Have you ever seen a skeleton with bigger bones than any other skeleton? I have some bad news for you; every skeleton weighs about the same! So, you’re…
5. “I just want a healthy baby.” No, you either want a boy or girl. You’re just afraid if you say it, others will think you are cold-hearted and shallow.
6. “Get a life.” I say, “get a vocabulary.”
7. “I’m offended.” It seems most people are offended by something every day. Before 1980 I don’t remember anyone ever using that word. My response is-so what!
8. “Get over it.” See # 6.
9. “I was shocked.” Shock was once used for devastating, catastrophic events. Not anymore. People are now “shocked” when a pigeon craps on there car!
10. “It’s not fair.” Welcome to planet earth. If life was fair I’d be a 6’4” quarterback for the San Francisco 45ers!
Chuck Norris' tears cure cancer. Too bad he's never cried.
Chuck Norris does not have AIDS but he gives it to people anyway.
Chuck Norris sold his soul to the devil for his rugged good looks and unparalleled martial arts ability. Shortly after the transaction was finalized, Chuck roundhouse kicked the devil in the face and took his soul back. The devil, who appreciates irony, couldn't stay mad and admitted he should have seen it coming. They now play poker every second Wednesday of the month.
A man once asked Chuck Norris if his real name is "Charles". Chuck Norris did not respond, he simply stared at him until he exploded.
Chuck Norris recently had the idea to sell his urine as a canned beverage. We know this beverage as Red Bull.
Chuck Norris can make a woman climax by simply pointing at her and saying "booya".
Chuck Norris does not sleep. He waits.
Chuck Norris once shot a German plane down with his finger, by yelling, "Bang!"
The chief export of Chuck Norris is pain.
After much debate, President Truman decided to drop the atomic bomb on Hiroshima rather than the alternative of sending Chuck Norris. His reasoning? It was more "humane".
An even more shocking example was when the CIA inadvertently mistook a news report on a small online satire magazine run by two students that a small village in Canada was a training camp for Al-Qaeda operatives and levelled it with an air strike killing 130 innocent people.
“I'm Spiderman.” he explained to me, in case I had inadvertently mistaken his entrance for that of someone else – maybe the window cleaners, I'm not sure, I forgot to ask.
For the first time in history, not only is it possible for you to genuinely argue with your computer, but also it will argue back. One test user screamed at her desktop “You stupid machine.” To which the computer replied: “I am only a 1.6GHz Pentium 4. At least I fulfil my potential - you couldn’t even figure out how to switch me off last night. I got fed up with waiting I ended up doing it myself.”
Chesterville, WA - Tommy Parks never had problems opening jars before. Peantut butter, jam, even pickle jars, he could open with ease. But today he met his match and his ego and relationship fell victim to the jars stubborness.
"I don't know what to say." said Tommy, soon after his 5th attempt to open the jar. "Maybe my hands are sweaty. ...Give me a towel!"
Tommy's girlfriend, Judith, was at first supportive. But her support quickly turned to disgrace and disappointment. "My last boyfriend had a horrible drinking problem, but atleast he could open a jar when I needed it!" Judith yelled as Tommy ran to the garage to get a screwdriver.
Just in case there's a first date in your near future, here's a list of the "10 Things You Should NOT Say On A First Date"
10) I just got fired, would you mind paying?
9) You know, you smell just like my grandmother.
8) So what's your favorite Porn movie?
7) What a coincidence, I own that exact same blouse!
6) I don't know why, but it burns when ever I urinate.
5) My last relationship ended badly... But, thankfully, the courts ruled it justifiable homicide.
4) Would you mind if I asked the waitress out? Just in case this doesn't work out...
3) Do pet snakes bother you?
2) Would you mind if we just don't talk?
and the #1 thing NOT to say on a first date
1) PENIS!
posted by Wayne. @ 10:43:00 AM
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